Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Happy Birthday

Please accept my apologies, wonder what would have been
Would you've been a little angel or an angel of sin?
Tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys.
Or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes?
I payed for the murder before they determined the sex
Choosing our life over your life meant your death
And you never got a chance to even open your eyes
Sometimes I wonder as a fetus if you faught for your life?
Would you have been a little genius in love with math?
Would you have played in your schoolclothes and made me mad?
Would you have made me quit smokin' by finding one of my lighters?
I wonder about your skintone and shape of your nose?
And the way you would have laughed and talked fast or slow?
Think about it every year, so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, love you whoever you would have been

Happy birthday..

Monday, 12 December 2016

This is what's up.

It's a lot right now, far too much for me to know how to handle it, I'm starting to feel it all falls apart right infront of me, I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore, as I can't do anything properly it all gets messy and nothing gets done. 

I have it all. I have no right to complain, I have it the best I've ever had it. I have my family, I have my friends, I got into the University and the programme I've always wanted to go to, I got a job I love which is also the place where I met my amazing, loving and caring boyfriend. I truly have it all. But it just doesn't help, it makes it all worse, I have no right to feel this way. I have absolutely no right to be upset about anything. I had nothing when i grew up, I grew up in a situation pretty close to hell but now I have the whole world, but still it's not working, nothing is. 

I'm failing school, I'm failing at work, I'm failing with my friends and family, and then as if that's not enough, who do I take this out on? Of course the only person left, the boyfriend. I can't handle more failing. I should be happy, I don't underdtand why I feel this way, I've never had anxiety in my life before, not like this, not every other day to a point that I can't breathe properly. 

To be honest it just feels like I'm dissapearing, just fading away, soon it will only be the shell of me left, I don't care about things I normally love anymore, I coulnd't care any less about christmas, I'm normally the one buying presents in October, puts up the tree too early and gets more excited than the kids but now - nothing. I don't even want to celebrate christmas, and I pretty much wont, as I yet again failed my family and told them I'm not going. Why? I dont want to, I dont care, I dont want to be around people. I want to be here, at home alone or possibly at work. 

I don't know what to do with myself? The only two things that truly matter to me right now, I'm fucking up the most. And the worst part is, even if I'm the one doing it, it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. Everything is just falling apart. I feel like I'm losing control over my whole life, it'slike sand running through my fingers, thats what it feels like, everything just.. goes away..

Ja, that's my life right now. I'd happily sit in a corner of my livingroom, on the floor, and smoke pack after pack, but then I'd not only be failing by smoking, I'd also get evicted.. So instead, I wrote this, and if you read it all let me know and I'd send you a flower for being a trooper reading this depressing piece of absolute shite. (also, I haven't read this after writing it, so ignore the typos..) 


Saturday, 30 July 2016

Let me sleep, let me eat.

In 8 days, I have ate ONE proper meal, that was yesterday at lunch. I have not slept more than 4 hours since the night to Friday last week. I cannot take deep breaths and I can't even smoke. I can't do anything at the moment.

Thursday last week i was dancing around in work and I had absolutely no problems in my life what so ever. I haven't been so happy in a very long time. And then everything fell apart and now here I am. Tired, hungry and sick of everything. I'm so over this now, I don't care anymore, I don't have enough energy to care anymore even if i wanted to. So i dont.

Thursday, 31 March 2016

Getting back to being me.

I think a question I ask myself a lot studying what I do is Who am I.
I have a friend who keep asking me these sort of tricky questions, for example What are you doing, and Who are you. Things like that, and not like What am I doing right now, more like what am I actually doing with my life, where do I want to go and what am I doing to get there. It always makes me think for two reasons.

1, Do I answer with the truth?
2, Do I like my answers?
Most of the time I think the answer would be No on both of them.

So when was I last myself? I've had a lot ofweirdness going on in my life so I cant actually say for certain. I feel like I've been in a funk for obvious reasons for a while but I'm getting more and more back to being the person I was. But was I myself then? I'd like to think so. It's not like I'm not myself when I'm around my friends or family, I'm just not giving them 100%. I'd say there are only one of my friends who fully know me. Most people I'd say know me about 60% because I don't want them to know everything. They don't need to and I'm not comfortable enough with letting people know, simply because of a fear that they will use what they know against me.

However, I do feel like I want to get back to the real me. The actual real me, not the chanel wearing, resting bitch faced, evil eye giving person I've turned into. I want to get back to being a dreamer, a singer, a dancer, a writer. I want to be me again.

When I was a child I like most other girls wanted to be a pop star. You should have seen me, I was writing songs, I was always dancing, I was putting plays together and making up moves, I made all my siblings take part in my messy routines and I loved it. Then I told someone about my dream and I got so badly shot down no one has heard me sing since then. Nobody. I. don't. sing. I went from singing and dancing in front of the whole school to quiet as a mouse. I don't sing. I can't sing.

The truth is, I probably couldn't. But who says that. I loved singing. I adored singing. And then, it ended.

I have decided to start slowly to try and get back to being me, I'm well aware that it will take a long time. I also know that I want to do this on my own. I don't want people to know. I'm not doing this for anyone else but me. I don't need the change to show. I want to feel the difference.

Monday, 21 March 2016

I'm a f**king legend!

I should be writing my essay right now, it's due Thursday, I'm in work all day wednesday and I don't have all the books so instead of writing tomorrow I have to go get the books.. Go me! Well planned of me, right? But in all fairness, I'm pretty impressed by myself. Last week I went the gym 5 times, I wrote not one but THREE essays, and they are quality! And besides that I managed to deal with my every day, see my boyfriend, a few friends life AND have a cold. I'm a f**king legend.

So I'm pretty much taking a few well deserved hours off now, and I will spend them with one of my faves, Harvey Specter. For real people, you need to watch Suits. Now.

Tuesday, 23 February 2016


Stole this from my sisters blog, hah.

Five things I like:Reading
Ice cream

Five things I don't like:Porridge

Flavoured Coffee


5 things I would like to do in the future:Write my 3 booksTravel the world
Get a PhD
Learn to drive
Make a difference

Five words that describes my personality:Open

Someone said I'm funny

Five places I like to be:Liverpool


Five things I'm scared of: 
Giant Mosquitos

The sound of planes

Five things I look forward to:
This summer
Getting my hair cut 

Writing my books
Having a more toned bod
The future

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Liverpool 2016

Guess who's back, back again. Rebecca's back, tell a friend.

So what's happened since last time I was on here? I mean, I don't think it's been that long but my friends don't agree. So I'm taking one for the team and writing you a post.

I just got back from Liverpool, so happy I went even if I was ill the first two days and spent far too much money on alcohol and clothes. Met some old friends and some new ones, had breakfast in Costa on the daily and had some time for myself. To be perfectly honest I feel like it was exactly what I needed. I needed to get away from everything for a little bit, sort my head out and take a little break from life.

I''m back home now and I'm happy, I feel like I'm back to normal. I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing for school, I'm back in work, back in the gym, sorted things out with Magnus who is now my boyfriend.. I finally feel like after a few rocky months, I'm back on track. Even put the cigarettes aside.

Although I'm writing this when I should be writing an essay, it feels really good being back in school. I was had the flu for a week and then went to England but I'm back now. Constantly have my face in a book, just the way I like it. :)

Anyway, here are some prictures from when I was in my favourite city in the whole world..
these can also be found on my instagram @janarebeccacaroline

Thursday, 14 January 2016

Well played Miss Goulding.

It's a little blurry how the whole thing started
I don't even really know what you intended
Thought that you were cute and you could make me jealous
Poured it down, so I poured it down
Next thing that I know I'm in a hotel with you
You were talking deep like it was mad love to you
You wanted my heart but I just liked your tattoos
Poured it down, so I poured it down

Let's be friends!